Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
