You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
