my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
