I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
