grandma shit on top of the toilet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
