I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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