she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
