so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
