Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
