The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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