better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
