i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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