She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
