the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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