My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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