glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
