ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
