i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
