I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
