My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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