i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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