It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize