we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize