Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
