so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
