im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize