Soap is not a condiment
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The Olympian is in my bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
