I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
