just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
