pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize