he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
