I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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