I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
