i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
