There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I love you.
Bad choice
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
