im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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