insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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