I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
His nipple licking is glorious
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