glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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