made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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