remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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