I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize