The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize