Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
