Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
