You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize