we need to drink 2009 down the drain
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
