...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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