I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
BRING THE BAGELS
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
