I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
