I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
