And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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