Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
