i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
