Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
