1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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