Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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