He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
