Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
