i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
