I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
